Farewell.

Day 160: 2/8/09

Dear family, friends, and any other blog readers who are not included in the past two categories,

I’m not posting this blog on facebook because if anyone is reading this without me telling them to, that means they care about me and that they have been following my Spanish saga from the very beginning without me telling them to. Anyways, this might come as a shock to some of you. Others might have been expecting it for a while, now, either because I’ve talked with them, or they just know me that well. Over the past couple of weeks or so, probably even longer, I have been in the process of making a very hard decision. That decision is whether or not I will stay in Spain for the remainder of my exchange (until June). After a lot of thought, I decided that it would be better for me to come home sooner rather than later, and therefore, I have already contacted Rotary and the process for me to come home has already been set in motion. My host parents, Rotary, and all of the important people have been informed. I will be going home on the 16^th of February, some 5 and a half months after I started my exchange.

Before anyone starts questioning my well thought-out decision, I would just like to state a couple of reasons why I am doing this. I don’t feel the need to justify my decision because there is no one I need to convince that this decision is the right one. I know that in my heart this is the right decision, and that’s what matters. However, I would like to explain a couple of things that led to me making this decision so everyone understands how I arrived to this point.

By far the biggest thing is the issue with my first host family and my subsequent waiting. To anyone who talked to me during the months of November and December, they know that those were very hard times for me. There were times where I questioned whether or not I wanted to end the exchange right there. But I realized that if I did this, I would end up regretting it in the future because I hadn’t explored all the possible options. So I stuck with it, ended up with this new family after 2 months of waiting.

And this new family is very nice to me. I don’t hold them at fault for anything bad about this situation. If I had been with them from the beginning, or even if Rotary had been a bit more proactive in finding me a family, I wouldn’t even be typing this right now. But that’s not the case. During those 2 months, I got so down no matter how hard I tried, and I’m still not completely recovered from it. Sure, I am feeling better than I did, but by no stretch of the imagination do I feel “good” during my exchange in Spain.

By no means would one call my exchange an “easy” exchange. One, not only did I deal with a bad host family and then Rotary’s ineptness in solving the problem, but I also have dealt many other things, both big and small, that have slowly been piling up on one another. I feel as if during my 5 months here, I have already dealt with more adversity than most kids would have to deal with on their entire exchange because of what I have been through. Now, living with this new host family, some of the adversity is gone, but I’m still not enjoying life here in Spain.

For me, this was the deciding factor. There are a lot of things affecting me at this point in time, but I’m not going to list them all. There’s the isolationism that I’m feeling because I am the only other exchange student who is even remotely close to my area. School is mainly in Galician, so I spend 5 hours a day learning a language that doesn’t really matter to me, and not spending time listening to Spanish, another thing. Everything has been piling up on top of one another and I feel as if right now, I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, which is not the way I want to spend my exchange.

Some people might think that later on down the road, maybe a couple of years from now, I will regret making this decision to come home early. If I had gone home in December without trying this new family, then I’m sure I would have regretted it in the future. However, now I know that I have done everything in my power to be happy, I have tried everything over here in Spain, and I am still not having a good exchange, which is a sign that something is wrong. While I don’t know if coming home will solve all of my problems, at least I will be surrounded by my real family and friends who love and support me unconditionally. If in the future, I ever feel a tinge of regret, all I will need to do is look at this blog, my feelings that I have projected into writing, and then I will realize that I did make the right decision. Life is far too short to spend it in agony, and also, it is too short to constantly regret your decision that you make in the past. I have chosen this, and I am happy for it.

I’m sure there are some people who will think that I am not making the right decision. Of course, you have every right to disagree with me. All I ask is that you respect my decision, and that you understand where I am coming from and what I have been through. Some people might think that I didn’t give it enough time, but in my opinion, 5 months is plenty of time to have a worthwhile exchange and to realize, after a while, that coming home is the best option. Others might think that since I didn’t finish what I started, that I am a failure. That’s not the case, either. The end of my exchange was up to me at all points during the exchange—this is the best time for me to come home.

The lesson has been learned, and there is little reason for me to continue. I don’t regret going on this exchange at all. In fact, I’m even happy that I chose to go on the exchange, regardless of all the pain and suffering I have been through. I have learned so much about myself and the world in my 5 months here, more than I would have in any college, that I know, but the time has come for me to pack my bags and return back home. I look forward to seeing all of you very soon.

Peace.